What am I? Who I am?

[Brink]

His eyes moved along with hers along the beach and the sea. There was a twinge of guilt as she backed away from him. She thought he was dangerous. Who could blame her? He was a yelling, growling, angry dog. And she didn’t know that he wasn’t violent. Like he had said, she just met him. She’s only trying to help,’ that annoying, little voice in the back of his mind told him. Damn that stupid conscience of his.

"If you do not want my help, then so be it. As to why I care: I never want anyone to suffer as I have done and am doing. You may not be happy with me, as I highly doubt you are. If you really want to know, I hate to see others shunned and hurting, as you so obviously are, John."

His first reaction was to say something rude, as this too made his angry. Not what she said per say, but because she continued to be kind to him. He managed to keep his anger in check this time, knowing that if he continued to do this, be angry and say idiotic things, then they would repeat this over and over again: Him being an ass, her trying to be nice, and then him being an ass again etc. And sooner or later, she would get sick of it and leave. And that would tear him to pieces. Sure, they had just met, but she cared for him. And he needed that more now than ever.

As he actually considered her words, his blue eyes moved from the ocean’s waves, back to the sand before him. There was a familiar stinging in him that made him feel weak and powerless. Then, they disappeared as he shut them tight. Being the tough and insecure dog that he was, John refused to cry in front of Maelu. Doing so would show even more weakness that he already had. And in doing that, he might let her in. Almost every time he had done that, it ended in tragedy and he was in too much pain already.

After, he was sure that he okay, he opened his eyes slowly and looked up at Maelu. He didn’t try to hide what he felt anymore. There was just too much. Too much pain, anger, fear, sorrow, loneliness caged inside. He couldn’t control it anymore as he stared at her with shining blue eyes. Gratitude was visible in those eyes too. Just a hint of it. But it was there. He didn’t trust himself to speak, for fear of the stupid things that he’d say, so the Canaan dog just stared up at her, body lowered, tail limp, eyes cold and sad. He resembled a child who got separated from his parents. Lost and alone.

[archer]

The winds shifted directions, blowing strongly through her grey and black pelt. Although Maelu was certain that he would not attack unless provoked by anger of loose his self control somehow, she was still being very kind and soft with him; however, the female could turn hard on him if she needed to be, but the hybrid doubted that it would anything in this situation.

Being at least half wolf gave her an advantage. She had better senses than that of John. Wolves were not tame, and although she had lived with humans, she had learned to hunt and be wild throughout her whole life, rather than be so pompous person's pet. The thought sickened her, making her cringe at the thought of being handled by one of the humans who always smelled badly of alcohol and sweat. The female wrinkled up her nose in memory of the scent. Now another scent reached her. It was salty, that of tears. She wasn't crying, so almost automatically, she turned to look at John, who at the moment she looked had his eyes closed.

Feelings of concern and the need to help ran through her like a told wave of emotion. Maelu did not know if knew she could tell he was upset, just by the scent of the tears he was fighting. The female moved closer to him, closing in the space that separated them. After a moment of standing next to him, she sat, wrapping her tail around his shoulders. Maelu had been comforted in this way many times by her mother, but hardly did her father touch her. Despite her father being a dog, and her mother being half dog, she looked more wolf than anyone else in the pack. This was a source of constant worry, fear, and loneliness that Maelu understood clearly. That feeling of hopelessness had often threatened to engulf her, and thus, Maelu could hep John.

When he finally opened his eyes, Maelu saw he no longer masked the pain, and she herself saw gratitude, though quiet small and only a hint of it, but it was there, and from that, she tried to help him understand why she would help him. The male dog she sat beside looked so frail and alone, so scared and uncertain that Maelu wrapped her tail a little tighter around him. "You are strong in my eyes. It takes a strong dog to hide their feelings, but an even stronger one to show them" It seemed to fit the situation, and she relaxed, allowing him to lean over on her if he felt he wanted to. She would not object.

[Brink]

John’s eyes were once again closed as tears flooded his eyes. The shifting of the sand alerted him that Maelu was moving. He then heard her stop at his side and he turned his head towards here, tears streaming down his face as he stared at her with depressing blue eyes. Her tail came to rest on his shoulders. Involuntarily, he flinched and quickly turned away, eyes once again closed. The Canaan Dog tried biting back a sob, but failed.

“You are strong in my eyes. It takes a strong dog to hide their feelings, but an even stronger one to show them."

This was strong? He could have laughed, but definitely wasn’t in the mood to as tears continued to run down his face and into the sand. He wasn’t strong at all. Maybe once he had been, but not anymore. Now, he was just another weak, sniveling dog who was scared and alone. John was supposed to be strong for his family, but he hadn’t been. He had abandoned them. A coward. That’s what he was. Another sob escaped him. They were his family. He just left them.

“I’m not strong,” He hissed quietly, more to himself that to Maelu. “I was supposed to protect them. Be there for them. I couldn't even do that. So how am I strong?” He looked towards the wolf-dog, desperation in his tear-filled eyes. John wanted her to say that it was alright, that everything would be okay in the end. Perhaps then he could convince himself that he was strong. It would be a lie, but he could probably force himself to believe it. He turned his head away, not expecting her to have a response. Then, John leaned up against her, as she seemed to be inviting him to do so.

[archer]

She could see tears, tears in the Caanan dog's eyes as he tried to fight them back. He turned his head to look at her, those same blue tear filled eyes soaking the fur on his face as new tears fell from his eyes down his face. Maelu noticed he flinched at her tail being wrapped around him, and she lowered it slowly as he moved away. Her black tipped tail fell to the ground with a soft thud, landing quietly and remaining motionless as if it had lost all life within it. She understood John better than other might have, you was able to make sense of the maze of emotions that he was experiencing. A moment later, he sobbed, causing her to look at him with concern filled eyes, deep with worry and yet, understanding of it all.

He sobbed again, and she cooed softly, softly making a steady rhythm to try and soothe the male. It was what her mother had done for her when she herself had been this upset and it had always helped her, so she thought that it might help him. Unlike John, she was not really given much of a choice in the matter of leaving or staying with her family, rather, they left her, but she was alive, more or less. At times, when things just got to tough, Maelu would loose it and just sob for hours, yet she did not cry. She did not understand it really, but she must have either become so hallow that emotions no longer affected her, or she had long ago learned that she never cried in front of others, but here was someone that was, and she honestly and truly knew why.

“I’m not strong,”“I was supposed to protect them. Be there for them. I couldn't even do that. So how am I strong?”

She listened as he spoke, and she was unable for once to come up with an answer. Instead, she spoke gently and with a very soft voice that seemed more concerned than she had intended to let on. "There are two types of strong, physically or emotionally. I'll let you decide which you are" Then, she leaned on her, and she shifted, pulling her tail lightly around him and very carefully, stroking the top of his head with her left forepaw. She was getting somewhere with him, and he trusted her to lean on her, literally for comfort and support. Maelu began to sing in an ancient language a small, short song. It was as old as the moon itself, or so the legend stated. It was formed from the howls of early dogs.

"ut luna shone bleak quod plumbeus , orbis terrarum videor devia , nam is changed , quod panton est perspicuus ut vicis adveho"

Her singing voice was lovely, and almost wolf-like in its sound. It had the gentle voice of a dog, but the clearity of a wolf's howl.

((What the Latin says is: when the moon shone bleak and dull, the earth seemed lonely, but now it changed, and everything is brighter when the time comes))

[Brink]

Maelu’s tail fell away as the tears continued to dampen his fur. He was no longer able to hold them back, nor did he want to. This isn’t happening. He kept telling himself that, as if just wanting it to be true was enough to make it so. This isn’t happening. I’m not here. I’m back at home, sleeping. They’re all right there beside me. This isn’t happening. He opened his momentarily, just to look around. This wasn’t the nice, cozy cave that he had called “home”, even though it was nothing of the sort. Another sob, despite the soft cooing of the female.

The wolf-dog had no immediate answer for him. But that seemed to be answer enough for John. He wasn’t strong. He couldn’t protect them. He was pathetic and weak. "There are two types of strong, physically or emotionally. I'll let you decide which you are." Another sob, although this one was different. It was an odd mixture of a heart-racking sob and laughter, as if what she had said was amusing. He felt her tail wrap around him and her paw gently touch his head. The tears refused to stop as he closed his eyes shut again. Again, a sob, although he almost managed to choke it back. Then, he went limp, and fell towards the coarse sand at his side.

This wasn’t happening, he refused to believe it. His mind rejected the possibility that he might never see his family again. It was too painful of a notion for his mind to grasp. There was already too much pain. Adding anymore was unthinkable. So, he refused to accept what was going on… yet, he continued with his sobbing and crying.

"ut luna shone bleak quod plumbeus , orbis terrarum videor devia , nam is changed , quod panton est perspicuus ut vicis adveho"

Her voice was rather haunting to John. His sobs and crying ceased momentarily as he listened silently, eyes shut tight, still lying on his side in the sand. The tears still ran across his face as he listened. After she had finished her signing, he remained noiseless for a few seconds more. “I’m sorry,” he sobbed quietly. He wasn’t actually talking to Maelu, but to Dana, despite the fact that she was probably back “home” taking care of the kids who he had never been a father to. “I’m so sorry.” It was louder this time, as he continued on with his sobbing and crying. “I didn’t want this, any of this. I’m so sorry.”

[archer]

((reply soon)