|
|
Post by dakota on Jul 17, 2007 17:36:56 GMT -5
I sat there in silence, my shoulder pressing against the cold stone of a cracked and forgotten grave marker. Dulled blue eyes staring down into the dirt, as I took in yet another shaky breath, wondering if it was worth it. I shook my head at the thought, as the image of JD's sad gaze flew to mind. He was there during the fight with John. He saw everything, he even tried to comfort me when I collapsed in the sand, sobbing my heart out. My son had to be there to see me as I lost my myself to a voice in my mind, which I had blocked barely out just before John left.
I felt sick to my stomach, unable to push away that look of fear and confusion that my smallest son had held when he stared up at me as I told him to watch over Zaria, to protect his sister while I was gone. There had been no emotion or life in my voice. Who knows what JD must have thought or seen when I tried to tell him to go, in the same manner as I had to John but I hardly even choked the words out. I was such a horrible mother I wasn't even sure where my children were. Not Faith, not JD, Zaria or even Aricin.
My family had been slowly falling apart before I even made that choice out on the beach. John was so cold, though our children hardly noticed at all, which I was quite thankful for. We managed to protect them from the truth up until now, but my mate was gone, and I was sure that my sanity would follow soon after. I was still trying to come up with reasons why I should put on a mask again, and try to be the same Dana I was before, but so far that list was blank.
Fox. Even my old friend who had appeared again, and who had been the cause of this, though I started to blame myself for even that; was gone now. He came up missing soon after he returned, I wasn't sure whether to be happy, or to feel even worse that I really had no one to turn to. I remember blaming him before, thinking it was all his fault that John had become distant, which made me rather masochistic considering my current location, only if I still believed that. I didn't believe that Fox was to blame. I told him I loved him, and these words were taken wrong by him, as well as my former mate.
Three little words. I almost laughed, if I could muster any emotion at that point.
Nothing was truly funny, not at all. I was a seriously messed up case. I had gone from blaming Fox, to blaming John, which was so obvious when I attacked him on the beach, had even spilled his blood. Of course, again I had made another realization once the crimson liquid stained my muzzle. I was too blame, and just ended up hurting everyone else because of my accusations. I hurt John by missing an old friend too much, I hurt Fox by not loving him the way he thought, I hurt our kids by chasing away they're father due to a lapse in my slowly dwindling sanity.
And where did all of this leave me? It left me emotionally broken, sitting in the very cemetery where I had screwed everything up on one foggy night with those words that meant so many different things to different people. This was the only place I could go anyway. I couldn't risk going somewhere where John might be, or even where something that reminded me of him. In the end it didn't make much sense for me to come here, since it would bring someone normal, even more pain. I just found it all sadly ironic.
[Sorry if it's confusing or doesn't make sense... I tend to do that a lot ^^; ............I'm tired now.......*goes to take a nap* Oh yea, btw, I made her hair a bit longer, you can kinda see it in my sig.]
|
|
|
|
Post by theshmex on Aug 5, 2007 9:46:00 GMT -5
Fox had left soon after that moment. John was to blame. His hatred had grown stronger for the other male for not treating Dana more carefully. Only HE knew how to treat her, how to keep her sane and keep her happy, but then John came into the picture and messed everything up. In his rage the mutt left with his teeth bared. The thought of someone else trying to tame Dana only infuriated him more. He needed to get away before he would do something he regretted.
The slate and dark grey colored mutt slowly came back to the spot where he and Dana met up once more. He seemed a bit different than normal. His usual weariness of everything was gone. It was almost like he was giving up. His paws drug along the cemetary earth as his head was held low. He felt sick to his stomach ever since he left. The feeling wouldnt go away.
He noticed a small tombstone and leaned against it, letting out a long sigh as a thick fog rolled into the cemetary only adding to his dweariness. His eyes looked distant and dull. Fox wasnt himself and it was easy to see. He was beginning to lose his sanity as well. He simply wanted to give up, maybe?
|
|
|
|
Post by dakota on Aug 5, 2007 10:26:28 GMT -5
Dana only sat completely still, other than the slow shaky movement of her chest with each breath she took. The shepard was still dwelling on thoughts of John, and just how foolish she felt. She wished she could just have her family, to be normal again, or at least as close as she could get. That was quite obviously far too much for her to ask for however, since Dana was much too far from gaining that back. The most important thing to her.
If only she could turn back time, go back, change things, make it all better. Dana was positive she could have prevented this, could have taken a different turn, or simply made a different choice. But, what if she could have gone even farther then simply fixing things with John? What if she could go back to when it was just her and Fox. If Dana could go back that far, and stop Fox before he left... Would she do it, if it was possible?
That was too hard to even think about. Give up John and her children, for her best friend, and the life they had before everything became so hard. Dana took a deep breath, as a sharp gust of wind caused her to shiver, and force her from her thoughts. Taking a moment, something registered in her mind, making her muscled tense, and her eyes widen. Is that...? Dana lifted her head slightly, staring out blankly. As crazy as it seemed, he was there, of that the female was almost positive.
".......Fox?"
She called out weakly, her voice stronger and louder than she thought it really would be. So... could it really be him? Or was she just losing her mind even more than she'd originally believed. Dana's pulse quickened. If he was there, what did she expect? For him to sweep her off her paws, take her away from here and make all her problems simply disappear. That was an unreachable dream, or maybe even a nightmare, but at least Dana would get at least one answer to any one of her many questions.
|
|
|
|
Post by theshmex on Aug 5, 2007 10:34:47 GMT -5
Fox's thoughts just started to vanish from his mind as he felt himself slipping into an almost comatose state of mind. His breathing had become increadily shallow and it looked only like he were a statue or something, only the fur on his body moved, not once did he blink.
Maybe he had been wrong all these years and his paranoia got the better of him finally. His whole life was for nothing then. Just chasing after a strange dream that he had one day when he was a young pup. Was his life really that wortheless, was it that simplisic that he simply let it get out of hand? He didnt want to think anymore. Thinking hurt him in ways he didnt want it to.
His ears didnt even perk at the sound of Dana's voice. "wow, now i think i know how dana feels" He thought to himself as he let his body fall to the dirt without reaction. His head hit the tombstone pretty hard and caused a slight gash on his cheek, but it didnt seem to phase him. He felt like this was all a dream and soon he would wake up, back in his puphood with that stupid idea running through his head. To Dana he said nothing as she began to approach him.
|
|
|
|
Post by dakota on Aug 5, 2007 10:51:45 GMT -5
Dana waited only a minute without getting a response, she slowly lifted herself into a standing position. All the while, the female was mentally yelling at herself, knowing that she may end up bringing herself more pain, or even hurting someone else. Fox. Her friend. The thought made her shiver, but Dana had to know if it was him, to confirm or deny her insanity, but there was also that underlying feeling, that feeling that something might be wrong. It was that feeling that you purposely ignored, not wanting to admit something could be horribly wrong.
The shepard silently followed the scent, which was much closer than she'd thought, Dana had just been so caught up in her thoughts to notice any sooner than she already had. Stepping slowly and carefully forward, the female started to wonder if she could be in danger, but thought nothing of the possibility, as it wouldn't matter to her anymore anyway.
"Fox? Is th--"
She stopped in her tracks, her voice falling, as she stepped around a tombstone, and her eyes came upon the limb body of her friend. Fear coursed through Dana's veins, her pulse sped even further, eyes widening as she instantly lowered, nudging Fox slightly.
"Fox?! Fox, wake up!"
At least for a moment she'd managed to forget everything but her friend. That could have been a good thing, if Fox wasn't in so much trouble...
|
|
|
|
Post by theshmex on Aug 5, 2007 11:01:20 GMT -5
Fox's dull eyes looked to Dana's paws as they were only a few inches away before he heard her voice. "Dana?" the mutt managed to mumble. He was fading between sanity and insanity of the worst kind, the silent insanity. Was this all just a dream to him? He was confused and lonely. Dana, the secret love of his life had ran off with another male and bore a family, not of his own. The biggest heartbreak the mutt could ever have.
Never once did he ever think of what Dana truely wanted. He always just assumed that he liked being with him and leading the life he had chosen to walk. Maybe he was too insane for the beautiful shepherd mix. Maybe John was a suitible mate for her. Maybe he should have never come back. Dana would have surely had a better life without his angst all over the place.
He slowly got up onto his haunches and refused to make eye contact with the female before him. "So, um....how are you?" His voice seemed lifeless and dreary. His eyes were still dull and his breath still shallow, as if it were only a ghost she was speaking to.
Not to mention that it had been a while since Fox ate last, his thick coat now mingled with the sight of his ribs and tendons, he was relativly malnurished and had not taken note of it, maybe that was what was causing his hillucinations and his insanity.
|
|
|
|
Post by dakota on Aug 5, 2007 11:16:08 GMT -5
Dana stared at Fox, studying him with her dulled ocean colored eyes. She could hardly believe what she was seeing, not thinking of the irony in this, and how she was basically in the same situation as the one that was before her now. The shepard paused, tilting her head as Fox spoke. No, something was very very wrong with this. Shaking her head, the female stepped forward, lightly pressing her muzzle to his neck, before she moved, carefully licking the gash he'd gained from him fall.
"Not well."
She answered his question absently, not even thinking about the answer, as she was only concerned about her old friend at this point, focusing completely on him. Dana drew back slightly, to look over Fox yet again. She couldn't remember a time he was like this. He'd been messed up before, but never to this point, and it broke her heart more than he already was. The shepard had to find out what was wrong... it didn't seem like an easy task, even though Fox had once been able to tell her everything.. times had changed.
"I'm not the one to worry about right now."
Dana spoke quietly, looking down for a moment, as she pondered just how true that was. Her words were only half true, because really, the both of them were pretty screwed up at that point.
|
|
|
|
Post by theshmex on Aug 5, 2007 11:24:40 GMT -5
Fox only moved with Dana's movements, she pressed her muzzle to his neck and cused him to lean back some before shutting his eye were she was lapping at the small trail of crimson blood trailing down his cheek. "John isnt treating you well?" His eyes narrowed and the thick hair along his spine stood slightly, although he was in no condition to fight or do anything at that time. If John had hurt her or even the pups in any way, even though they weren't his, he thought he would make a better father than John could ever.
His dulled teal eyes focused on Dana's for a moment befor he got up and rested his head on the back of her neck, taking in her scent once more in a heavy deep breath. How he'd longed for her, now that he had her there, the problem was that she had a family and he would never be able to have her the way he wanted. He would have to settle for second best, much like his life was.
"Yeah you are, i always worry about you Dana" His voice seemed to carry lots of heart in it as he nuzzled himself further into the scruff of her neck. "I could care less about myself so long as you and the pups are safe Dana" His tail wagged very slightly as he placed a paw on her back and licked at the back of her ear. He needed to be there for her once more, like he was in the past. It was no longer about him, but a bout her. He couldnt stand to lose her one more time.
He made up his mind. He was going to stay for Dana and the pups. His dreams he could always follow, but Dana comes only once in a life time.
|
|
|
|
Post by dakota on Aug 5, 2007 11:40:34 GMT -5
Dana only stood there, completely still and silent as Fox spoke. She found it strange how he seemed to almost bounce back, but one he'd mentioned John, she couldn't help but cringe, and force herself to take a deep breath to calm herself. She had to avoid thinking about him, but Fox's words unintentionally pierced her heart, making her hate herself even more. It took a moment before the female could gain her voice back, enough to speak in a light whisper.
"...no... John....hasn't done anything... wrong."
The shepard cleared her throat, and looked to Fox, shivering as he nuzzled her, his warmth spread through her. Dana shut down all thoughts for a moment, not wanting to think again how big a mistake she'd made, how horrible she'd been... And how much she longed for any kind of comforting contact for all too long. She gave a warm smile, though her expression faltered slightly. 'You've always put me first, haven't you?' She thought silently, before shaking her head.
Fox's next comment made Dana freeze, tensing greatly. "I could care less about myself so long as you and the pups are safe Dana" The female closed her eyes tightly, taking in a sharp breath, keeping herself from the verge of a complete melt-down. The thought of what a horrible mother she was would haunt her constantly.
"God, Fox.... The pups they...." She choked, unable to find the words that repeated in her mind.
|
|
|
|
Post by theshmex on Aug 5, 2007 11:48:28 GMT -5
Fox watched her movments with a warm smile as he lapped at her nose lightly. Even when she was near a meltdown she looked so pretty, he regretted never telling her that, and that he would always be there for her, even if he wasnt physically there. His eyes moved over her body before he let out a heave at the sound of John again. It made his fur stand again but he forced it down. In the past he had a chance, and never took it, and now it was lost. Someone else took his oppertunity and it was John.
He shook his head lightly before sensing something wrong with Dana. His soft look soon turned to ultimate worry. "Dana what happened?Are the pups okay? Are they safe?" He stood back with thoughts of bad things that might have happened to them. When he left there were four pups, now how many are there, if there were any left. He wouldnt stand around while the pups were in danger. He would save them, he would be more of a fatherly figure than John could have ever been. "Dana where are they?" His concern was very much his fatherly insticnt comming through. Even though they werent his, they were Dana's kids and he loved Dana with all of his heart. He couldnt let anything bad happen to her or the pups.
|
|
|
|
Post by dakota on Aug 5, 2007 12:03:17 GMT -5
"I don't know."
Dana's legs started trembling in sorrow, with the added force of keeping her from hitting the ground. She swallowed hard, lowering her head as tears leaked from her tightly shut eyes. How could you do that? Do you seriously believe they are better off that way? Shaking her head almost violently, the shepard lifted her head enough to open her eyes and gaze at Fox.
"I'm horrible... Fox, I told J.D. to watch over Zaria.... I... had to leave.... I was afraid to hurt them...."
She lowered her head again, giving a harsh sob, as she shook a little harder.
".......John and I fought and... I...I....couldn't...." Her words got caught in her throat once more, as she tried to calm down, tried to be clearer, but that was far too hard. Dana took another breath, still shuddering as she slowed her thoughts, and her voice.
"Faith ran off a while ago... a-and so did Aricin...." Pausing, Dana looked up, fear in her eyes, as she was almost begging Fox. "I'm sorry I let this happen, but.... I... don't know what's wrong with me..." She confessed, finding it hard to believe how much she had just blurted, though it was actually rather hard to accomplish... Well, she wasn't keeping secrets, not anymore.
|
|
|
|
Post by theshmex on Aug 5, 2007 12:09:33 GMT -5
Fox only stood and watched, listening intently. He needed to know more about where the pups were from Dana, so he could go get them and bring them to a safe place. "Dana" Fox said softly as he licked her muzzle gently. "I need you to find a safe place here in the cemetary, ill be right back i promise i wil return my love" He hesitated with the last part, but then spun on his paws and headed in the directions that Dana came from, not sure if it was the right way or not, he let his blue hued nose follow the light scents of Dana.
He would return to her with the pups and he would make sure everything was okay. He swore to himself that.
|
|
|
|
Post by dakota on Aug 5, 2007 12:24:37 GMT -5
Dana calmed slightly, nodding as she looked to Fox. She swallowed and stopped her limb from shaking and stared at her friend, listening to his directions, which she'd try to follow, once she was able to move again.
I wasn't until Fox had turned and left that she'd realized his exact words, which suddenly echoed in her mind. '...my love'. It really shouldn't have been as much of a shock as it really was. Dana stared blankly. That... that... was new... And it would change everything.
After a few minutes, the shepard shook her head, and looked up, finding herself alone, and not so sure what to do.
[Faith stays gone, but we can use J.D. and Aricin of course.]
|
|
|
|
Post by theshmex on Aug 5, 2007 20:42:14 GMT -5
Fox slowed his running to a trot as his breath had left him, in his state running to hard and too fast would be harmful for even a tough mutt like himself. He stopped and panted heavily as he cought his breath, looking around. "ARICIN!, J.D.!, FAITH, ZARIA!!!" He shouted and looked around to see if there were to be an answer.
|
|
|
|
Post by dakota on Aug 5, 2007 20:53:38 GMT -5
J.D. lay in silence, hidden under some brush. He shivered, his head resting on his paws as he thought about his mother and father, his siblings. Why was everything changing so quickly. J.D. would endure without a word, as he normally did, wishing to be strong as Dana had requested of him. The pup sighed, closing his eyes before a voice rang out, shaking him out of his own little world. The pup pulled back, hearing his name called, he wondered who it was, and how they knew his family.
Taking a risk, J.D. slowly poked his head out from his hiding spot, peering out toward the one who had called for him. The pup paused. He knew that canine...
|
|
