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Post by dakota on Feb 12, 2007 18:36:29 GMT -5
[Unfortunately the pup thread died, but mainly cuz we're just missing one post. Anyway I was tellin' John about my inspiration for a bit of an argument with these two a while back... So yea, you can toss the pups in if you wish ^^]
Dana stood silently, her back to the cavern they called home, which was only a few yards off. She needed a moment to herself, something she hadn't had in a while. Now, she stood at the shore, the soft sad between her paws, though the shepard mix couldn't enjoy it. Her anguish, and sorrow was seen on her face, her eyes a bit darker, lines forming slightly as well. Sure, she was strong, and trying more then anything... but she felt on her own with all of this...
She missed John... Yes, he was still here, he was within her reach physically but... What happened? Why was he so distant? Dana had hoped that the pups... would bring them closer... she was wrong... and it crushed her, causing her heart to ache more then ever. Maybe... they were wrong for having told one another they felt closer, in love. Perhaps they should have stayed nothing more then friends... if they had done this, things would be better, the tension would be gone, and John wouldn't think she was in love with an old friend.
Just this very accusation made her feel even worse. Dana and John had been together for so long... he ought to know her by now, know her nature just wasn't like that, it never had been and never would. God, but why could he not just listen to her? Trust her? If they were truly in love, there would be no jealousy, no distrust... Then did that mean that they...With this thought, the shepard's eyes widened just the slightest, tears forming from the very idea of it, as she shook her head, ridding her mind of this.
Now, she could let her emotions flow, for the moment at least, while the children were safe asleep within the cave near the shore. The great sorrow, the pain, and embarrassment, and anger came out, causing the thin female to tremble slightly, as she looked up. She had to speak to John now... No more locking it up... Face to face, serious, no lies...
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Post by Brink on Feb 12, 2007 23:35:45 GMT -5
[ooc; ARGH. OUR THREADS KEEP DYING. Now we prepared youtself for a long post:
ic;
Nothing.
That was what he felt like. Nothing. No one. A completely useless being who would just fade into the darkness. Like he was doing now. Slowly drifting away from the world that had left him broken and battered and torn for so long. But someone kept pulling him back. Pulling him away from what he wanted. To feel nothing. Not pain, or sorrow, or fear… or happiness or joy. This person that was keeping him from this was Dana. And he hated her for it. He hated the fact that she cared enough to stop this self-eradication. He also hated her because, perhaps, she was the reason that he was this way. Or so he told himself.
But that was no more than an excuse. Some false reason he needed so he could feel better about punishing himself for what happened all those years ago. He wasn’t there that day. He should have been. He should’ve been there to stop it. He blamed her for what was happening now, although he wouldn’t admit that the two events were connected. But still, he felt betrayed. He felt like he had been left alone again. All because of him. That stupid, paranoid, self-involved, sad excuse of a wolf. The thought of him made the blood of the canine boil.
And the Canaan Dog believed that she would do it. Leave him for that pathetic creature. Yes, John had known her for a long time. But he also knew how people could change you. She had changed him. He used to be as lost as he was now. Completely lost. Wandering around the port, looking for something that had died along with part of him. And then she had found him. And some part of her still loved Fox, even if she wouldn’t admit it. He wasn’t stupid. Or maybe he was. Stupid enough to think that he could replace that obsessed rat. Replace the person that had she had spent so much time with. And the kids did make him happy, but seeing there faces day after was only a reminder, one that tore deep into him.
All these thoughts whizzed through his mind, each making him more bitter than the last. Turquoise eyes were narrowed in anger and hatred as he stared into the dank, empty air of their supposed home. A grimace at formed on his face, replacing the frown that had seemed to be etched into his features for the past few weeks. Bitterly, he stalked out of the den, but only after making sure that all the pups were still wallowing in the dreams they’d never achieve. Silently, he took his place beside his mate, taking in everything around him before stating bluntly, “You want to talk.” It was something that he had sensed when he had first approached her, which he was fairly good at. John didn’t mention the fact that she looked like she was about to cry, in case it upset her even further.
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Post by dakota on Feb 13, 2007 15:02:56 GMT -5
[Yay! I really love angst threads ^^]
Dana just didn't understand, and the harder she tried, the worse everything seemed to get. She was tired emotionally and physically. Of course, when she was around the children, none of this showed, because she was there for them, not wanting for them to grow up in a messed up family... too bad she really couldn't succeed in doing so. Turquoise eyes lifted to John, though never breaking her thoughts as she did. Pausing for a moment, the shepard pulled away just the slightest. He was just so cold... It was heart breaking to see him like that, making her unable to even be that close.
Where would she even start? There were so many things that she could say, so many hateful words, so many sorrowful words... All of them begging to be let out. Looking away for a moment, her weary eyes closed, allowing a long, tense silence to pass between them, not that that had been anything new to the couple. Couple, she didn't even think they could even possibly be one anymore...
"Why..." Dana started, bringing her lowered eyes back to him. "...why are you doing this... To me... to us..."
She began, her voice broken, a lowered whisper. It was hard to tell if her voice was forced by anger, or by her sheer sadness at this point, though it would become clearer to both of them soon enough. Now, really Dana just wanted to get some damned emotion out of him, any response. The shepard didn't get this still, no matter how many times she went over it in her mind.
"John." She stated firmly, though unable to make her expression match the tone. "Why can't you trust me anymore?" Dana finished her sentence, her tone now much lower, as she was nearly forced to choke out the words burning in her throat.
At this point in time, Dana was simply on the edge of her mind, a figurative cliff in front of her, allowing her to take that step, and lose control... all she needed was a straight on answer, a serious reason, to keep her and steady ground. Not that this could even last much longer, even if John and Dana somehow could clear things up... they were only destined to break apart again, with an event that neither could stand to go through.
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Post by Brink on Feb 13, 2007 22:38:03 GMT -5
[ooc; Super-duper long. Sorry.
ic;
As he sat, John saw it. It was only the slightest movement as she pulled away from him, but he still caught through those turquoise eyes of his. His eyes hardened a bit, as there was a momentary feeling of disgust for both him and his mate. He moved a few inches away from her. There was a certain pain inside that rippled through him after she had pulled away. And the feeling wouldn’t fade into his hate and pain as he desperately wanted it to.
Slowly, the grimace began to weaken and then finally it died out completely, despite the pain that racked his heart and mind. Now, it, being his face, was blank, but had a certain tightness to it, as if it took an effort to keep himself from allowing that frown, in which he was so accustomed to, appear once again. It would probably anger her, and there was too much of that now. Except it was pent up, and he could tell. She hadn’t shown any of anger at all. If she really cared she would be angry. And John knew that she cared. Too much, in the mind of the depressed Canaan Dog. Not that it was true, like many of the warped thoughts that he had forced themselves into his mind.
Dark, narrowed eyes refused to turn and look directly at his mate as all these thoughts pursued his troubled mind. Instead, they gazed out idly at the ocean waves, which reached out towards them and then slowly receded, only to come back again. He supposed that was what Dana wanted to happen. For this talk to magically save him and bring him back to her. Which was stupid to him. Why did she think she could save him? After all the pain he had caused her, why did she even try? He wasn’t worth it. Never had been.
"Why... why are you doing this... To me... to us..."
He was silent, his features gaining a somber look to them as expression changed. The answer? He wasn’t doing this to them. Or atleast no trying to. It was about still about punishing himself for things he was unable to let go of. Things he didn’t want to let go of. Because he would be admitting defeat. Defeat to who, or what? Perhaps that was better left unknown.
"John. Why can't you trust me anymore?"
He could trust her. Completely. He knew that she wouldn’t be unfaithful to him. Unless she needed someone else besides him. Maybe that was what this was all about. Trying to force her to be with Fox. Was that what he wanted? It would be a reason. A reason to cast his miserable existence back into the darkness that he had been drowning in before Dana had pulled him out. And then again, maybe it wasn’t. Maybe, he felt like he had been shoved off the figurative cliff. And he felt as if all control over his life and feelings had been torn out of his grip. And, in losing that control, he was losing himself. Either way, he had no reason not to trust her and probably never would.
But, he didn’t tell her this. Instead, he turned away from her, as he had done so many times before. This was an escape for him. Turn away from everyone, and avoid having to talk about his feelings, which he often saw as a weakness. Felling only seemed to get in the way. So, he took the easy way out of this situation. Hiding his feeling, except maybe anger and hate. Not matter what, it was highly unlikely that Dana would get an answer from him, at least not anytime soon.
Unless the silence was answer enough for her…
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Post by dakota on Feb 13, 2007 23:21:19 GMT -5
Dana shivered slightly, yet again, her eyes were unreadable, the emotion, whatever she thought or felt in that moment was really unknown to anyone, and even the shepard felt that it was hidden from her as well. But, seeing the one she loved, turn away from her like that, giving no true response, not even seeming to feel anything at all, like he was just a cold shell of himself. When she saw this, whatever may have been left of Dana's heart was gone now...
In her mind, she leaped, sweeping herself into the air, eyes closed, falling blindly off of that cliff, sending her plummeting to god knows what below. There was no one watching from above, no one here on earth to stop her either... And it seemed most of all, she had jumped from that figurative land form, more then willingly... It was as if that was the choice she made, to let go, and lose control...
"Damn it John!"
Dana barked to him, nearly snarling. The female was shaking now, more then before, but it didn't matter. Within a moment, she pushed herself at him, sending both of them to the sand, almost pinning John to the ground. She was done pretending everything was okay, that she wasn't actually dying inside, and playing nice little, give a crap sideshow. She was done with that, having snapped now, with no care from John. In her mind, he caused this, wanted it to die out... It seemed now, truly blinded by her emotions, she forgot of all things around them, it was just John and Dana now.
"I can't believe you! You won't even try! Won't show any emotion at all! You want this to end, you act like it's all playing out before you and you can't even touch it, interfere with anything!"
She spoke, her tone louder, harder, darker then it had been before. Never had she needed to speak like this, never had she even wanted to, but it seemed like the only way to ever get even the slightest reaction from him.
"I loved you, and wanted it to work out! I tried, you can't even give yourself that much credit! You are the one who accused me of loving someone that I haven't seen in years! I could never love Fox like that... He left me when I needed him, back when even then we were only friends! But I never thought you, the one I am truly in love with, would do it too, because thats what you are doing to us now..." The female poured every emotion she had, into these words, her tone started to fall, at the very end, though not again falling to where she sounded weak and broken again...
[Wow... ^^;]
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Post by Brink on Feb 14, 2007 1:52:43 GMT -5
[ooc; I love this post. -hugs computer screen-
ic;
"Damn it John!"
She had snarled at him. There was part of John that wanted to yell back at her, another part wanted to run, and still, some other part of his wanted to stand right there and take this shit. John found the part that was telling him to leave was winning. And he would have left right that instant. But, three things kept him from taking this action. First, he thought Dana might follow him, leaving the kids all alone, unprotected. And he couldn’t- no wouldn’t- do that. History could easily repeat itself. And there was no way in hell that he could make it through that one more time. Not again. He also didn’t have anywhere to go. Back to Rakine? He hated that damned place. John also doubted he could last two days in a pack. Too many bubbly, happy wolves. They would surely make him go insane. And wandering around had also lost his interest sometime ago.
Well, what was that third thing, you ask? Well, the fact that he now had an angry, sixty pound female pinning him down to the ground. And that was definitely something he hadn’t expected: one minute sitting on the beach, and the next thing you know sand is flying as you have another creature crushing your chest. It was a good thing she wasn’t still pregnant. This was gonna’ provoke a reaction from the enraged male, which was what Dana wanted. He was one hundred percent pissed right now. Mainly at Dana, but also at himself for not expecting an attack and not being quick enough to defend himself from it. Hell, he had been working out lately.
"I can't believe you! You won't even try! Won't show any emotion at all! You want this to end, you act like it's all playing out before you and you can't even touch it, interfere with anything! I loved you, and wanted it to work out! I tried, you can't even give yourself that much credit! You are the one who accused me of loving someone that I haven't seen in years! I could never love Fox like that... He left me when I needed him, back when even then we were only friends! But I never thought you, the one I am truly in love with, would do it too, because that’s what you are doing to us now..."
A deep throaty growl came from the male as he stared up at his ‘loving’ mate. The burning flames of hatred appeared in his narrowed eyes, but he quickly doused those fires in his blue orbs so that only anger showed through. Pearly whites showed as he bared his teeth dangerously. It was a hideous look for him. One that rarely appeared. But now it was here, and he wasn’t hiding it. He didn’t know if Dana had ever seen him like this, and, frankly, he didn’t give a damn. In one swift action, he brought his rear legs forward, and the jammed them upwards. At the same time, he scrambled backwards, trying to get away from her. And he struggled to stand up.
The expression on his face had changed, no longer warped and distorted by pure hatred. Just raging anger. “Haven’ tried!?” he practically roared at her as he finally made it to his feet. “I try ever goddamned day. Each and every day, I get up and try to do my best. And each and every day I fail.” There was such anger in his voice that he himself could barely believe it. But there was also pain in his voice, which showed how miserable he seemed. “Each and every day.” He repeated the phrase, dragging the words out as if that would get his point across. There was an odd desperation in him, that needed her to know that he hadn’t just been standing there idly while they suffered. “And at the end of the day, as I toss ‘n turn, tryin’ to sleep, I think of you and our family. And wonder ‘How I could fail them? Why isn’t it enough? Why can’t I get it right?’. And almost every single day, I dun’ wanna’ get up, because I know that I still won’t make it. I know that no matter what I do, I can’t fix this. Can’t fix myself and what happened. Have you ever felt that? Completely weak, because you can’t help the ones who need you the most? Haven’t tried?” His voice was now low, quiet, and held a serious, but still pained, tone. “Now tell me, have I not been tryin’? ‘Cause if so, all leave right now. And you can be with Fox, ‘cause I’m sure he’ll try!” Now he was shouting at her again and still wouldn’t let go of that whole Fox issue.
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Post by dakota on Feb 14, 2007 3:01:07 GMT -5
[That was awesome... Now it's time for my incredibly long post]
Before her mind could even comprehend, or react to it, Dana had been pushed back. She didn't hardly realize it at first, letting everything slowly soak in, as she lowered her head, panting now, eyes wide, hard to tell anything now at all. She was blinded by her emotions still, and in her mind, it was white heat, needing to get through to him, but unable to even be rational now. She did realize however slowly, however long it had taken her to get the very idea of the situation, that she had pissed John off. The funny thing about that was, Dana didn't care, she wasn't fazed. She just accomplished one of her main goals right?
There were no more goals now, nothing to even encourage her to calm down, to be quiet, and stand by like she used to. It was all coming out, one way or another.
Looking up, her eyes were narrowed, in a way that made her look like she was anyone else other then herself. Dana gave a growl, that turned out more like a huff of air. The female simply stared at him, her heart racing, adrenaline pumping, part of her mind said to take him down again, though she simply remained ridged, locked in place, with her head held low. She really doubted that she could move, doubted she could even control herself any more, to think anything through, only pushed to let out every single thing that had been locked up. And you ought to know, that was a lot of crap that she held in.
Sure, she heard the words, trying to break them down, take in the deeper meaning, but that's rather hard when you can hardly see, or think straight, wanting nothing more to scream out in the air, just to finally release. But out of what John said these things had caught her most, and she latched on to them, looking back to the sand, still panting heavily;
-“And at the end of the day, as I toss ‘n turn, tryin’ to sleep, I think of you and our family. And wonder ‘How I could fail them? Why isn’t it enough? Why can’t I get it right?’. And almost every single day, I dun’ wanna’ get up, because I know that I still won’t make it. I know that no matter what I do, I can’t fix this. Can’t fix myself and what happened. Have you ever felt that? Completely weak, because you can’t help the ones who need you the most? Haven’t tried?”-
Once he seemed finished, adding his last comment about Fox, it took every bit of common sense, that she hadn't thrown off that cliff, to keep her still, telling to wait a moment longer, to let her heart rate slow at least a bit. Too bad she was too damned tired of listening to her own mind.
"What are you trying for exactly?" Dana asked, her tone low, no longer yelling, sounding nearly tired, but threatening either way. "...because... If you are trying... Why is it that you don't even seem to be able to speak to me at all? Why is it that nothing has changed at all, until one of us has snapped?"
The shepard asked seriously, oddly enough, despite the fact that she let go, allowing her emotions to take over, her voice was now dull, holding no tone, nothingness within it. She just wanted straight on answers. "I can't be the one to say you've been trying, because I don't understand anymore... You don't even tell me, I hardly have the slightest hint that your still with us." She didn't allow him to reply just yet, because she was far from done. "And you bring Fox right in, trying to make us both believe I want to be with him. Here's the truth for you. I don't give a shit whether he'll try... because the only one I did want to see try, is standing in front of me."
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Post by Brink on Feb 14, 2007 3:39:28 GMT -5
It took a few minutes for what he had said to register in his own mind. And to realize that he had admitted he was weak. That grimace appeared again. John didn’t want her to know how much he tried. And how much he kept failing and now she knew. Which he wasn’t exactly happy about it. She couldn’t know that right now, he was crumbling inside, because nothing he did was working. Nothing. He couldn’t make it better. Couldn’t repair what the once had. His thoughts kinda’ just stopped as she growled. Then she stared at him, and he stared back, his eyes examining calmly. At first, there seemed to be no reaction, but then it came.
"What are you trying for exactly… because... If you are trying... Why is it that you don't even seem to be able to speak to me at all? Why is it that nothing has changed at all, until one of us has snapped? I can't be the one to say you've been trying, because I don't understand anymore... You don't even tell me, I hardly have the slightest hint that your still with us. And you bring Fox right in, trying to make us both believe I want to be with him. Here's the truth for you. I don't give a shit whether he'll try... because the only one I did want to see try, is standing in front of me."
When she first replied, he knew that she didn’t believe him. He turned his back to her, not wanting to see his expression. Half of his seemed torn. She thought he was just standing around, watching everything happen, like he didn’t give a damn what happened to his family. Like he was some dead-beat father would just watch his very own children suffer. The other half? Pure rage. Anger seemed to pulse through him, and he was visibly shaking as he tried to control himself. He had ignored the last part, at this point of their ‘conversation’, he didn’t give a damn about that rat-bastard. Only the fact that she believed he wasn’t trying.
“What the hell do ya’ want from me Dana?!” He whipped around, roaring it in her face. Only rage and anger was clouding his features now. “Do ya’ want be to get on my knees and spill my heart out to ya’?” His fury could clearly been seen in his eyes. And his body, as his fur seemed ruffled (to say the least) and his body still shook, though not as much. “You and I both know that won’t fucking happen. You knew that when ya’ first told me that you ‘loved me’.” His words were now what out angrily, as if completely disgusted with Dana for wanting him to let her in.
[ooc; Yes, I am aware that he couldn’t technically get down on his knees.]
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Post by dakota on Feb 14, 2007 8:52:51 GMT -5
She had to relax, or at least try in someway to calm down, because her adrenaline rush was still making her mind a bur. Slowly, Dana eased her legs to unlock, and she took a careful, unsteady step forward. Her eyes were still pricked, and pushed ahead, showing this wasn't a game, this was more then real, and it was too late to try and pretend it never happened, that was just be stupid anyway.
“You and I both know that won’t fucking happen. You knew that when ya’ first told me that you ‘loved me’.”
Of all the things he said, the things Dana was careful to latch onto, this part really didn't help. She went numb, but quickly reminded herself this wasn't the place. She had to be still, be strong, not allowing her weaker emotions get in the way. For now, she simply stared at John, pushing that in the very back of her mind, to go over again, when she was thinking clearly once more, whenever that would happen, if ever.
"Fine. You don't have to open up to me. What was I ever even thinking to try? It's not going to happen, I get that now, I was being stupid..."
Dana's voice now brought back a bit more life into though, she sounded irritated, tired, just pissed that she wasn't getting through to him, at least not how she really wanted to now. The female shivered, closing her eyes slowly, as she trembled saying nothing, to allow silence pass, lifting, or adding tension as she did, not that she really thought this moment could be harder on either of them after all of this in the first place.
"If you can't let anyone in, your family included... Can you answer me something? Because this is what I just really want to know now..." The shepard paused, and took a deep breath, gathering herself, already aware of the tears that built in her eyes, she wasn't sure whether they were just from frustration or what really caused them, but she ignored them either way.
"If you leave, which I really..." She couldn't put words to finish this. "...If you did, do you have any idea the impact it would have? Think for one tiny second, how hard it would hit me... You think I could support myself let alone our kids?" Dana was careful, to lower her voice, as it had already lifted again. "Don't you know, that even though, you are so damned distant, without you, I wouldn't make it a whole day?" With these words, the shepard wasn't talking about when she had nearly drowned either.
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Post by Brink on Feb 14, 2007 10:54:09 GMT -5
Even after he had finished, John still found that anger was making his body shake. The canine stiffened his muscles in an effort to stop it. It didn’t do much. The problem was his anger, which he couldn’t stop or lessen. Anger at her, because she still didn’t think that he was trying. She knew how much he loved her and their kids. Why couldn’t she just believe him? Just believe. Goddamnit he growled inwardly at himself as he tried to douse anger’s flames inside of his.
"Fine. You don't have to open up to me. What was I ever even thinking to try? It's not going to happen, I get that now, I was being stupid..."
“’Damn right,” his voice was almost inaudible as he muttered the phrase. Dana would probably scream at him again if she had heard. Not that he cared at this point in time. They were both yelling and snarling at each other already. And it was stupid. She knew John. She knew that he built walls inside himself to keep others out. Walls that kept people from seeing what was inside of him. Walls that hid how much pain and anger he felt. And the loneliness and the feeling of being lost. And how close he was to going over the edge. And Dana had broken through one of the walls. She had found some weak spot, and had busted through it. She saw how he truly felt, how much pain he was inside of him that he kept locked away. Because emotion was weakness. And now John was trying to push her out of the barrier. Trying to repair and rebuild that wall that kept others from really getting to know him.
"If you can't let anyone in, your family included... Can you answer me something? Because this is what I just really want to know now..." The dark expression in his still narrowed eyes said ‘try me’. He would answer her. Probably answer this question just to spit in her face, because of the hate inside of him that wouldn’t dissolve.
"If you leave, which I really..." She didn’t finish her statement, but John didn’t seem to notice that. "...If you did, do you have any idea the impact it would have? Think for one tiny second, how hard it would hit me... You think I could support myself let alone our kids. Don't you know, that even though, you are so damned distant, without you, I wouldn't make it a whole day?"
“I’m sure you’d finda’ way,” he spat out the statement. It sounded angry, but also like he was scoffing her. Which, maybe he was.
[ooc; They aren’t having a very good Valentine’s Day, now are they?]
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Post by dakota on Feb 14, 2007 17:09:48 GMT -5
[Yea... Pssht, no flowers or nothin'! xD]
"Good answer..."
Dana growled these words softly, in immediate response. So far, she was thinking things through a bit better then before, but now, so many voices were screaming in her mind, telling her what to do, how to speak and act now. One wished nothing more, then to go at John again, and send both of then back in the sand snarling, another wanted Dana just to let lose her weaker emotions, which that wasn't even going to happen. Yet another said to listen to him, stop arguing, and take his side, but most of all, one continued to tell the sherpard to turn, leave everyone and everything behind. This voice wanted for her to leap, this time perhaps without a figurative object.
For now, each voice, each impulse was all ignored, her mind no longer leading what she said, her heart, every damned thing that she knew she had to get out, was working it's way to the shepard's throat, preparing her for almost anything John had to throw at her. She would take all the crap, and use her own heartbroken anger as well...
"Alright... Tell me, what in gods name, makes you so sure, that I 'would find a way'?"
She thought hard for a moment, her eyes remained in the salty dirt at her paws, before her, now harsh turquoise gaze lifted again, and she gave another low growl. The female's head lifted, no longer showing her weakness, simply staring evenly at the other.
"You, hide everything right? Keep it inside... And on the other hand, you, and I've noticed, damned near everyone else, thinks my heart and emotions are just a freaking open book to them. You think that I'll spill it all, past, present and future to you?" Dana shifted, lifting her head, allowing her bangs to sway back and forth, hiding then revealing her eyes yet again, along with the dark shadowed emotion on her face.
"Well then, everyone has another thing coming.... 'Cause you aren't the only one who can hide behind a smile..." Her tone didn't seem right, didn't seem to even be Dana, as she spoke, her tone not lifted, but deep, nearly threatening, and dripping with the hard anger, and simple truth within her.
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Post by Brink on Feb 14, 2007 19:47:42 GMT -5
"Alright... Tell me, what in gods name, makes you so sure, that I 'would find a way'?"
What made him so sure? More than anything he wanted to tell her it was because of how strong she had managed to stay, despite everything that had occurred. How she kept it together know matter what happened and she was one of the most stable people that he had ever met. There was the fact that she was independent and didn’t seem to need anyone. And, that she was like him, hid some of her emotions so that people wouldn’t think you were weak or in pain. He wanted her to know that he loved her and knew that she could make it through almost anything, with or without him. But before he could manage to come up with the right words, she began to talk again.
"You, hide everything right? Keep it inside... And on the other hand, you, and I've noticed, damned near everyone else, thinks my heart and emotions are just a freaking open book to them. You think that I'll spill it all, past, present and future to you?"
His eyes were no longer looking angrily at her. Instead, they were directed at the sandy ground beneath his paws, looking downcast and guilty. “I never thought that.” His voice was quiet, low practically a whisper. And it sounded more like he was talking to himself, rather than her. Her next statement sent a flare of anger through him, although he didn’t know why. And he didn’t tear his eyes away from the ground and up towards her. They still had a downcast and guilty look to them, but anger could easily be seen.
"Well then, everyone has another thing coming.... 'Cause you aren't the only one who can hide behind a smile..." Like he ever smiled…
[ooc; AGH. SHORT.]
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Post by dakota on Feb 14, 2007 20:17:11 GMT -5
[Spooky how great minds think alike... I was coming up with the same thing John was thinking ^^]
The very same thing that John had been thinking, was Dana's next point, what she had yet to say to him, to finish off her questions for the moment, and let herself go. She paused though, in the middle of her thought, as she heard John speak. “I never thought that.” This echoed in her mind, causing the female to stare at the sand blankly for a moment. Was he for real? Shaking her head, Dana pushed it away, though it would still nag at her, and she would never understand why.
"...John... You don't think, that I can seriously handle everything that I seem to? Losing my father, my friend, my sister, nearly losing my life as well and... now losing you... You think that when I stand up, and give a few firm words to guide you or anyone else along... that I myself could do those things? I'm not able to make it through everything, not even close... When I stand up everyday, to face whatever is coming next... It's not or me, hell no... I do it to keep everyone else going strong... 'Cause inside, I'm nothing but broken."
She stated seriously, with a deep breath, as she remained still, her eyes glued to him, her legs locking up once again, but she didn't care. Sure it was odd, that for that moment, the two had nearly been thinking in unison. Shaking her head, Dana looked away, staring at the cave.
"I just do it, so they, and even you, don't think that I can't handle it... So you don't realize that I fall into the dirt every night, hoping I can seem strong for everyone the next day... I don't want anyone around me to give up... I want them to think theres something to fight for..."
Dana sighed, and sat back, the voices were still there, but had been pushed off into the corner of her mind, so that the screams were now mere whispers, as she looked at John. There was another question, begging to be asked, nearly tugging at her throat, but she felt that the words were choked back, she couldn't get them out, maybe too afraid to learn the true answer.
"...thats why if your gone, theres no one else... No one to be there... Which would make me absolutely nothing."
[Pssht! Don't worry about the size! Your posts are smexy, so it's all good! ^^]
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Post by Brink on Feb 14, 2007 21:36:07 GMT -5
Dana just looked blankly at the ground. John shifted uncomfortably, attention turned towards his own burgundy paws planted firmly in the pale sand. There was just something about it that made him slightly embarrassed and unnerved. He began to think that he said something incredibly idiotic. He felt a relief when she finally began to speak. The silence was almost unbearable as he wondered if what he had said (or hadn’t said) would get him attacked and yelled at.
"...John... You don't think, that I can seriously handle everything that I seem to? Losing my father, my friend, my sister, nearly losing my life as well and... now losing you...” The Canaan dog flinched slightly had the last part of her statement. Losing him? He was talking to her again, just like she wanted from the beginning. “You think that when I stand up, and give a few firm words to guide you or anyone else along... that I myself could do those things? I'm not able to make it through everything, not even close... When I stand up everyday, to face whatever is coming next... It's not or me, hell no... I do it to keep everyone else going strong... 'Cause inside, I'm nothing but broken."
“No, I dun’ think that either.” Again, his voice was close to a whisper. Blue colored eyes locked on the sand once again. He didn’t want to do it anymore. Talk. He felt he had done enough for one day, as the walls slowly begun building themselves back up, leaving Dana on the other side again. But he doubted that Dana would agree with him. She would want to tear those walls down brick by brick and then haul the bricks away so they couldn’t be reconstructed within him. After these thoughts entered his mind, his eyes raised up towards Dana, taking there usual look. No anger. No pain. No sorrow. Nothing more than that spark of determination and skepticism.
[ooc; Blah. Crappy post.]
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Post by dakota on Feb 14, 2007 21:59:02 GMT -5
"Fine then..."
Dana replied softly, closing her eyes quietly for a moment. The tension no longer seemed so thick, but it was there... Now she was just tired, and her throat, legs, and mind all ached. Shaking her head, the shepard pulled forward slightly, her gaze still off, studying something unknown, and analyzing god knows what in her mind. She didn't want to yell any more, all she wanted was for this headache to go away, and just curl up with her children. But that would have to wait a moment longer.
"I hope your not sticking around here... Just 'cause of the pups... If you were, that would just be hurting everyone..."
She stated absently, still not looking at him yet. Finally the words caught in her throat seemed to ease out. This was the last of her questions, last of her probing, at least for now... But this was most important to her, the thing that all this screaming, and adrenaline lead up to really... Dana had to know, good answer or bad.
"John... If anything... I just want to know... You have your choices, and I really won't stop you... I just want to know, if you'll leave when the children grow... Or if you... really are still trying..."
The shepard's voice was distant, quiet, though it seemed this was just a casual every day question... It looked like Dana was back to blanketing things, either that, or she had just run out of the energy to put forth any true emotion into this question. Not that anyone would really find out the real reason as to why.
[*pokes you* Lies!]
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