My Mistake [John]

[dakota]

The sleek canine stood silently, staring out at the waves yet again, it must have been the hundredth time in the last few weeks. Dulling turquoise eyes were low, black lines ran under them, showing how tired the female was. The wind blew her long hair from her eyes, and back in front of them again. She was standing still as a statue, her tail hanging limply between her legs. Dana was loosing it all so slowly. It was becoming more and more noticeable as the days went on.

She was ill, mentally more then anything, even if she herself wasn't quite yet aware of it. Dana was also growing thin, even more then she had been before. The reasons for all of this were nearly too many to count, but it really couldn't be helped. The shepard's mind was, and had been clouded with the thoughts, fears, and oh so many emotions that continuously plagued her. She was slipping away.

It started when Fox came back. No, she didn't blame her friend, in fact she didn't know just who to blame. Maybe the voices in her mind? It didn't matter, yet at least. When Fox returned, some things were said, and misconstrued in her love's mind. Since then, everything fell down hill. Dana watched as John grew more quiet and distant, she felt like he was doing this to her on purpose. This added greatly to her mental and physical stress, but her children were leaving her as well. Aricin, god knows where he went off to cause havoc, but her little angel, Faith left her as well.

It was too much. She blamed herself for this much out of her troubles. Did they leave because of me? Because of John? Because of how distant we have both been? Have I not cared for them as I should? I'm a horrible mother... These questions hurt, because there were no answers, and she had no idea how she could ever find the answers. Perhaps there really were none at all, but as of now nothing could be done. Problem was, that she could see it in J.D.'s eyes. He wanted to go too, he wanted to find his sister. The poor guy felt like he had to protect his sister.

Dana shivered, though not from cold, but from her never ending, horribly painful thoughts. She was floating, or so it seemed. There was hardly a thing to keep her here now. John was nothing but a cold shoulder to her. Her son, the last one actually sticking around, had a plan to follow his already missing siblings. And Fox, the one who started this mess, one of her best friends, made himself scarce yet again, and damn it, Dana was finally starting to hate him for leaving her like this, just like before. Now of all times, when she needed him.

Standing there on the shore, not far from the over-used den, which definitely didn't even feel like home, just a place to try and sleep, though it was a hard-earned luxury. The multi-colored female would never have figured that soon enough she would snap, and break the small thread that barely kept John to her.... but more than that she couldn't have known just how much the two of them would regret it...

[Sry John... I have no idea where all that came from... ^^; But I guess it's leading up to something big... so yea...>.>]

[Brink]

Sorry it took so long. It’s kinda bad. Writers block sooooo kicked my ass. xx

Cold air swept across Scatterstone Beach, brought on my the icy waters that bordered the large stretched of land. The chill never seemed to touch John as he sprinted across the beach. The Canaan Dog moved quickly, long legs thrusting him forward as he pushed himself to run faster and farther. His muscled ached and burned, but he refused to take a rest. Refused to stop it. Stop the pain. Stop the suffering. Not only his, but his families… or what was left of his family.

Eyes of grey-blue followed the tide line as the dog kept moving. About twenty yards ahead was Dana, looking disconsolate and drained. John slowed gradually slowed to a walk. He had noticed the change in her attitude and appearance. After all, it wasn’t something easily missed. The once happy shepherd dog now looked haggard and her skin was pulled tight against her ribs. Her eyes seemed duller than before. Dana’s fears and anxieties concerning their children were clear to John. He knew how she felt better than anyone.

But, he didn’t act as if he knew her fears and pains. With one child dead and two missing, you’d figure that he’d be going of his mind with worry and concern. That he’d be running around searching high and low for his children. But John couldn’t do that again. Couldn’t go through all that pain a second time. So he decided he wasn’t going to. Instead, he had tried forced himself into a state of numbness, cold and indifferent to the world and everyone in it. It didn’t work completely.

Anger. It burned within him, as he wasn’t able to bury it with the majority of his other emotions. The Canaan Dog was angry at some many things that it was hard to count. There was burning resentment for Fox. And Dana, although he had accused her of something he knew she couldn’t and couldn’t have done. She had told him that history wouldn’t repeat itself. That he wouldn’t loose his children. He was. But, as angry as he was at them, he was even angrier at himself. He had let this happen again. It is my fault.

And he wanted to be punished. That was why almost everyday he sprinted up and down Scatterstone’s shoreline until he could just barely stagger into their so-called home. Maybe that was also why he had the uncontrollable urge to walk up to his mate, who seemed to be withering and dying inside, and say something insensitive that made him look like a jackass. So, he continued to walk towards Dana, not exactly sure what he was going to say or do once he reached her.

[dakota]

Whether it was because she noticed John, or simply felt his presence, or maybe she just couldn't help it, Dana's mind switched to her mate. Is it really his fault? What did I do to make him do this to me? If Fox hadn't come back... But I love only John. She shivered, shifting her body in the sand, one paw lifted lightly, as if injured. Why do our children have to suffer from our mistakes?

~You've done nothing wrong....~

A voice, not belonging to Dana, echoed through the shepard's mind. It wasn't something new to her, it had been there, since the last time she had confronted John. It was then that something in her mind snapped, and released whatever it was that now spoke to her. Maybe she was truly losing her sanity now. ~It was John, and John alone...~ The female cringed at this, and closed her eyes tightly.

~Why do you think your children are gone? Fox would have stayed had it not been for him...~

"No..."

Dana whispered to herself, shaking her head now, her paws shifting in the sand again, in a restless manner. The voice was prodding her, pushing her farther into the darkest ends of her mind. How was she expected to return from the depths of her own mind? It would cause her to make a huge mistake, and finally regret everything...

The shepard's body went rigid, her ears flicked, hearing the sound of paws falling against the soft sands. With a deep breath, Dana ever so slowly turned, her tail still low, as turquoise eyes landed on him. John. Her love, soon to be lost... ~It's his fault...~ These words repeated and echoed in Dana's mind. Her eyes darkened slightly with hatred. Her actions no longer of her own accord.

Dark lips lifted, showing pearly fangs. A snarl erupted from her throat. Before the shepard could even take a defensive position, she lunged at John, soon sending both of them to the sand. This time wouldn't be the same as the last. Now, it was a real fight, Dana was tricked by her own mind into believing John was to blame for everything that happened. Now, she wanted him to pay for that....

[Brink]

Eh, this post isn’t that good.

Just as Dana’s mind had done, John began to think of his mate. He did his best not to, but he channeled his anger towards her. Her. She had brought that sad excuse, piece of crap, mutt into their life. Into their children’s’ lives, ultimately endangering them (or atleast that was what John though). The anger was slowly building. And he let it. Anything to stop him from blaming himself for just a few seconds would be a goddamned relief. It was wrong to do so. She hadn’t been the one that pushed everyone and everything away, just to stop the pain. “No.”

John snapped to attention. No? What the hell? Who was she talking to? He’d never thought Dana crazy. Not in the least bit. So, she wasn’t the most stable creature he knew, but crazy? Not a chance in hell. So, if she wasn’t talking to herself or an imaginary person, then she was talking to him, right? So she didn’t want to talk to him. Did no mean ‘no I don’t want to talk to you’? Or ‘No. I hate you. Go away.’? Well, he was trying to make her angry wasn’t he? He might as well go up to her, no matter what ‘no’ meant.

The Canaan dog’s train of thought was once again shattered by his mate. This time, she didn’t say one random word or another. She growled. She growled for god’s sake. What the hell had he done now? He’d only just walked over… but this was what he wanted wasn’t it. Then, she attacked him. Wasn’t expected that. John didn’t have enough time to move, so she bulled him over. The canine went flying into the soft sands.

Instinctively, his head was lowered to protect a dark-colored throat. Narrowed bluish-gray eyes examined his ‘opponent’, as he stood and took a defensive position. Dana definitely looked worn out. Under her turquoise eyes were dark circles. The shepherd dog also looked malnourished. Her pelt didn’t appear to be in the best condition either. The words sick and frail came to mind, but then again, there was that feral look in her eyes. Angry eyes of blue softened slightly as he came to think of what she was like when he’d first met her. She had changed, for the worse. What had happened to her? What had done this to his once loving mate?

You did this.

The voice was cold and spiteful as the words echoed inside his head. It wasn’t like Dana’s voice. No. It was his conscience, although it usually screwed things up, rather than help him. John just stood there stupidly, staring at the person who wanted to kill him. He did this. She had been perfectly (or so it seemed) when he’d first met her. He had ruined her. Torn her to pieces. He alone had done the deed. It’s you fault, the voice told him.

Now, he just stared up at her, head lowered, eyes pleading. Pleading for what? Well, that only he knew.

[dakota]

I feel so numb... What's wrong with me?

Dana thought, going still, staring blankly for a long moment. It was as if all her control was given to that voice in her mind. She wasn't herself to say the least. The shepard stood still staring at, or near John as she trembled. Her legs were shaking, perhaps from the adrenaline rush, from the fear of what was happening, or maybe she was physically sick. There's always the 'all of the above' option.

I'm sorry John... I'm sorry... Please... The female whimpered silently in her mind, this emotion, this want for everything to stop was seen in her eyes, for at least one moment, until it all became hate. Those once bright, determined eyes were now dark, seeking out revenge. Revenge for what? John had never physically harmed her, he hadn't been purposely doing this, so what did she want from him?

Dana's subconscious was looking for someone else she could blame for everything going wrong. It seemed blaming herself didn't work so well. These thoughts crossing through her mind caused her to only stand there and stare blankly. She held no expression whatsoever, until the voice spoke to her once more.

_{~Take him... Make him pay for what he's done to you... To your family...~}

The small shepard let out a whimper at hearing this in her mind. That voice made her cringe in fear, and feel sick to her stomach. She didn't like the voice, it wanted for her to ruin the last thing she had left. Dana so badly wished to fight against the voice, but she felt powerless against it, there was nothing she could do, because it was a part of her. Taking a shaky breath, she only remained still for what seemed like forever.

Finally her head and darkened eyes lifted to John yet again. Her eyes now narrowed, glaring at him. "...how could you?" She whispered in a deep tone that hardly seemed to be her own. The shepard growled yet again, baring her pearly white fangs. Dana backed up in the sand before launching herself at John yet again. Once again, Dana seemed to lose all control to the voice. Her sanity slipping away with every moment...

[Sry for the blah post and the long wait. I've been catching up on missing work while studying for all the end of the year tests. I can't wait till next month ^^;;]

[Brink]

John still looked up pitifully at what was left of his mate. A small whimper was emitted. He had lowered himself close to the sand and continued staring up at Dana with wide, puppy-like eyes. ‘Please forgive me’ they said in silent sadness, ‘Please stop this.’ But the gray-blue eyes didn’t speak how he truly felt. Another part of him was just waiting for her to attack him again, to lunge at him again.

The anger continued to build inside. And he wanted to release it. He needed to release it. If he didn’t… hell, he couldn’t even imagine would happen if he didn’t release it now. Probably something much worse that what was about to happen. But that wasn’t the only reason he was yearning for her to attack. He had lied to himself god knows how many times in the last few minutes about this being what he deserves. The emotion in his eyes slowly changed.

Those eyes were still begging Dana to forgive him, but now there was something else. They pleaded for her to do what she was about to do. ‘Do it. Please.’ they seemed to scream. He wanted this, for some odd, perverse reason. Punishment was what he needed. The voice continued to feed him lies, or atleast half-lies. He needed to pay for what he had done to her and her children, he was told by his conscience.

She turned towards him and glared. The l0ok that she gave him made the guilt inside almost unbearable. “How could you?” Desperation, clearly seen in his body language and expression, had taken over. She didn’t understand. He had to make her understand. She needed to understand, just as much as he needed to rid himself of the rage that was plaguing him. Words slowly formed in his mind. His trouble was finding the right ones. It took a few seconds for him to figure out what to say. “Dana… I didn’t…” he began, but couldn’t force himself to finish. Instead, he gave a low, heart-breaking whine.

Then, she launched herself towards him again. John came to realization to the cold, hard truth that he had been denying. She is trying to kill me. It took a split second to for him to stop pretending. Almost instantly, he went into defensive mode. Although tired for his exercise, he would be prepared for whatever attacks she made…

But that was just another lie that he was telling himself.

Dun worry ‘bout it Kota, I was just being my impatient self. Nice signature by the way.

[dakota]

[Like I said I'm gonna write in Dana's point of view, trust me, it'll make my post 10 times better.]

The last thing that came through clearly to me, was his voice. I heard it, barely though. He had been so quiet, and I was far away within the darkest depths of my mind, trying to hide from what I was becoming. It broke my heart. I wanted this all to end, but I couldn't control it anymore. I had kept everything inside of me for far too long. Every emotion I had failed to show before was now melding to become this thing...

The thing in my mind that just would not leave me alone. That horrible voice. That thing that now took me over.

The part of me that wanted to take out all of that hate, everything, on John. I never wanted this to happen. Even when I felt abandoned. This was the last thing I wanted to happen. I wish I could have stopped it all, turn back the time, go have released my thoughts everything I had kept to myself over time. I wanted to go back, to prevent this thing...

I wanted to make all of this go away. All I wanted was John. I wanted our family to be together. Life just doesn't go my way anymore, not that it ever had been my way.

My body was still numbed, moving on it's own accord. That part in me, that nameless voice, still wanted to make him pay... It wouldn't stop until I ran out of energy... or it accomplished what it wanted done...

A snarl escaped my lips as my jaws snapped at John. My mate. My love. My strength. Help me... I begged in the darkness that surrounded me. It seemed the harder I tried to stop this, the farther away I was pulled. I tried yet again, letting out a frustrated sob, that came out of my lips as well. I was weak. I couldn't stop it. There was nothing I could do. I was so tired of feeling this.

I didn't want to give up... I was now more determined than ever... Because I knew that someone's blood would be spilled...

[Brink]

“Don’t do this.” John was pleading almost silently. The gruff voice, etched with pain, was barely audible under the breath of the Canaan dog. “Stop this, Dana.” This statement was louder, much louder; he was practically yelling. Don’t keep doing this. After realizing that he was almost yelling at her, which he doubted would help, the pleading continued on his head. But, John was now talking to himself as much as he was talking to her.

Leave. Commanded the strong voice of reason inside his head. That single word echoed throughout his mind. He cringed visibly, as if the word caused him great pain. “I won’t leave you,” he promised her, despite the fact that she was intent on killing him. He actually had no clue why he had said that, because he was preparing to turn and haul ass out of there. Although he didn’t honestly want to leave Dana and the children, his feral instinct to protect himself was taking over.

RUN.

It echoed even louder in his mind. He was not in control any longer. Underneath him, he felt his paws sink into the sand and then propel him away from Dana. John struggled to stop himself, which caused him to go into a slow, awkward jog. There was a loud whining noise coming from him, somewhere in between a wail and a howl. “I WON’T DO THIS.” John declared this statement, loud and clear, as if standing up against that voice inside, which was himself.

BLAH. I dun like this post…

[dakota]

He's begging... God let this end....

"I'm sorry"

I muttered, surprised at the fact that I even managed to speak. Unfortunately John wouldn't hear me. This was killing me. I'd never seen John like this. I had been with him ever since Fox had left me for the first time. We had been together for such a long time. We were there for eachother. Even back before we had become anything more than friends. I was there for him, but most of all... He was there for me. Thats why I loved him, and....

....now that I saw this side, I would like nothing more to drop down and do whatever I had to, to end this. In the end I would take it as far as I thought I needed to. But right now, here I was, something else controlling me, trying to take one of the most important things in my life, away. If anyone else had done something like this to John, no doubt he wouldn't be running... He'd have his opponent begging for their life, not the other way around. He didn't want to hurt me, and I didn't want me to hurt him.

This thought made me feel worse, my heart tearing to shreds. It ached terribly. I needed my mate, my children. I couldn't get these things back... I was losing one other thing, something I couldn't quite live without;

My sanity.

I stared at him, my dark eyes never leaving my mate. The voice in my mind, still had that intent to kill. I couldn't stand to see this. I wanted to do something, to at least stop. I wanted to stop chasing him, let John keep running. I hoped now that if I could stop, that he would keep running... I wanted my love to keep going, my fear of hurting him was too much. My children were smart enough to see it before it happened.

Please keep going... I love you... I don't want to hurt you...

_{~He is why I'm here! 'Your love' isn't there for you anymore.... Good riddance!~} I yelped, trying to silence the voice. John had to have noticed by now... I was losing my mind....

[Brink]

John was unable to hear Dana. And, honestly, he didn’t want to. It was easier to be angry at her without knowing that she was sorry. His speed increased and then suddenly, he was sprinting away from where they had been standing. But he wasn’t running away from her. He was running away from what was inside of him. Well, trying to at least, because it is hard to run away from yourself.

It seemed that after he had let out that out that howling noise and made his declaration of ‘I won’t do this’ that he suddenly began to feel everything. EVERYTHING. It seemed that the few feelings that he had been pushing away suddenly came crashing down on him. It was too much. Inside, he felt like he was being crushed. All those feeling seemed to be strangling him: the pain, the fear, the guilt, the hatred. It went on and on. Stop it stop it stop it stop. he kept repeating in his head. And each time he said those words, they seemed to increase in volume (in his head, of course). STOP IT, he told himself again and again. JUST STOP IT.

And then it stopped.

All the feeling and caring stopped. It had hurt too much. He had to stop it. And he did. Now all the emotions, all of them, were gone. Buried them all inside to be forgotten and rot away. Could you actually forget how to feel? He didn’t know… but he would try. And with all his other emotions went the fear that made him run from Dana. Slowly, his sprint lessened into a trot. John just stood their, his back to Dana, sinking back towards the state of indifference, coldness, and numbness.

She did this to them, he told himself. He stood stock still a few more seconds. Slowly, he turned around, violent blue eyes fixed on his once-loving mate. John was breathing hard, but seemed to not notice as he bared his teeth and let out a throaty snarl. The Canaan Dog swiftly took a few steps before he launched himself at her, with murder in his eyes.

'Nother not-at-all-good post.

[dakota]

[Haha! I LIVVEEE!]

I didn't want this to happen, I wanted to turn back time, now more than ever before. I was far too afraid now, but the fear of dying, fear of any harm coming to myself was the last thing that came to mind. I was afraid of what this was doing to John, to the kids, to our family, if you could even call it that anymore. The only thing that linked any of us at that moment, was blood, and past emotions. These things were all wiped away as I stood there silently watching John run from me, tears leaving my eyes and streaming down my dark cheeks.

Why us? Why me? Why?

I wanted to scream, to god, though my faith had waned greatly when those planks gave out beneath me, before the kids were here... I remembered that day clearer than I should have. I remembered that near death experience so well, no because I was almost killed by my foolishness, but because John had saved me. John had saved my life more than he knew, more than I had been aware of at first. But now of all time, these memories hit me with nearly enough force to send me to the ground, though I hadn't moved and inch.

Just as I remembered him pulling me out of the waters that had tried to claim my life, seeing his perfect eyes as they were when he questioned my sanity before, though only to be amused by it; I then saw what was really happening. His eyes as he came at me, wanting me dead, wanting what he could have so easily let happen before.

I didn't even move. I didn't even try to defend myself, I only stood there in shock as I was sent back to the sand as I'd done to him. I had pushed the voice away before, though I'd hardly noticed until I was forced back by the one I'd given my heart to. Because I was in danger, and because it was John that was threatening my life, I had released my hold on that voice, and let it command me.

As before, I heard it's words rind through out my mind, telling me to kill him. I gave the control over my body to that voice, that thing that had consumed my sanity. I fought back with as much strength as I had. A snarl that hardly seemed to belong to me, tore threw my chest, as I pulled up, trying to clamp my jaws on John, anywhere that was open for my attack.

I couldn't control anything again, I was just there in my head, watching it all so blankly. I had no other choice.

[Brink]

Your post kicks my post’s ass.

Part John didn’t want this either. Who would want this to be happening? Who would want to be turned against the only person who was able to pick you up from the depths of depression and self hatred? Who would want to end up fighting the only person that you had ever truly loved? …But, there was a part of him that did. There was part of him that wanted all this new pain to disappear, even if it meant feeling all that old pain that Dana had made disappear. Even if it meant losing her.

That latter side had taken over for the moment, as he launched himself at her, turquoise eyes filled with hatred.

Besides, that little voice inside his head told him, you’re protecting your children. One could almost laugh at the irony. He was trying to kill the one person who had actually given a damn about his children. Since their birth, he had moped around, not paying attention to any of them. Well, maybe a little to Zaria, but that was just about it. Perhaps he was the reason that two of their children disappeared and one of them was already depressed and hadn’t even hit a year.

"Please forgive me... I just don't ever want to be alone... I'm just so sorry..."

“Don’t cry. I won’t ever leave you, Dana. Ever,”

John found those few sentences echoing in his mind, over and over and over again. I won’t ever leave you… He had promised her that more than once. He was almost always good on his word. But now? He felt a stabbing pain in his gut and then a wave of nausea. On cue, his limbs were suddenly weak, wobbly even. The Canaan dog felt dizzy too. His vision blurred, but it had nothing to do with the sickening feeling that swept over him. He released a racking sob that rivaled her snarl. He looked up at her, so pitiful and helpless. John remembered this pain well. It tore at him so badly that he wished that on that day so long ago, they had both drowned.

But his love for her had made him continue on and end up finding her and saving her. His jaw clenched, he looked at her with fiery blue eyes. “I hate you.” It was released as a loud sob. Then she was upon him. It seemed so surreal. And then there was the pain. It was more emotional than it was physical. Of course it hurt as her teeth cut into his flesh and warm blood ran down his pelt, staining it in red. But it cut deep inside him that she had actually meant to attack him and had spilt his blood.

The nausea worsened, but he kept it together. He was strong… but he had always had a reason to be strong. What was his reason now? Was there was one?

[dakota]

[As if I didn't say this enough before... LIEZ!!]

I hardly realized my actions, simply watching them, but not feeling my self move, not willing myself forward. Not me. It wasn't me, this was anything but me, the Dana everyone knew. It felt as if that Dana died long ago. Maybe that's what really happened at the docks that day, without my knowing, I had lost my real self within those waters, and just hadn't realized it until John started making all of my faults painfully clear to my eyes.

We had been the perfect team, as hard as it used to be for me to admit it, it was so much easier for me with John, then with Fox. I remembered being so afraid of that, all of that, repeating it's self with John, but no. He was there for me, and I was for him, during those moments, that I thought were rare, when John would break down. I hated when he questioned himself, because as time went on, and I compared him to Fox... I couldn't help but let him weigh out over my old friend completely. I let John win over my heart, more than Fox, because I had eventually learned to trust one thing from John, that I had once thought I could trust from Fox. I knew that John would never leave me, not just because he had told me so, but I just knew in my mind, that he was the one I was meant to stand beside.

What happened to that? Nothing mattered anymore, none of the words we'd said, nothing that had happened. I couldn't even remember why John had become so distant in the first place. There was only one thing that I remembered all too clearly. I loved him. I still did, though I couldn't show it anymore, it was too late. He hated me, and of course my beliefs had been proved true when he said it.

Then that warm, salty taste filled my mouth. His blood. My eyes widened, we had seriously taken it this far. Before, I could have told myself it wasn't real, it was just a dream, no, a nightmare, but now... Now it became too real for me. No voice in my head could take away what I just did. I saw myself again and again in my head, wishing I could say that I wasn't the one who did it. I saw his blood staining his once perfect coat. My already tense muscles locked my into place, hovering over him.

I let that sickly sweet crimson liquid drip from my teeth, as I stood there stunned, my mind slowed considerably, and cleared away any doubts in what was happening. It was real, and I had no luck with prayers and wishes at that point. What seemed like hours ticked by, but barely a minute had truly passed, when I stumbled back, willing my muscles to work. I tripped over my own paws, my eyes wide, and horrified with what I'd done. I pulled myself from the sand where I had fallen, and stepped back, staring at John still. I shook my head repeatedly, before I let myself lower to the soft ground beneath me.

I gave up. I wasn't fighting anymore. I wasn't letting that voice keep me going until I killed him as it had wished. Now that I had really hurt him, I knew for a fact that I really couldn't do it. I lifted my still wide, and frightened gaze, staring across from me to John. I'm not sure what he could see in my eyes if he looked, but I knew that the only thing I could regret was ever blaming John for the problems with our family, and hurting him because of what I thought. I regretted nothing else...

I was pathetic.

[Brink]

MY POST SUCKS MORE MONKEYS THAN YOUR’S DOES. (CAPS. HAHA).

John continued to stand there, in shock for she had bit him. His mind seemed unable to keep up with the current event. Everything that was happened registered so slowly. It still felt as if someone had decided to twist his insides. Blood still ran from his wound like the silent tears that managed to escape the poor dog.

All their pain, all their suffering, what had it all amounted to? Not a thing. Not a damned thing. They had fought and toiled to get to the place they were at now. And look at them. Spilling each others blood. Trying to kill one another like a pair of rabid animals. Maybe that’s all they deserved. Maybe this was just some sick and twisted punishment. John had long ago lost his faith, but he could find no other answer. Maybe they couldn’t change what was happening and they would end up just killing each other, like the men inhabiting all of those cities.

”I won’t ever leave you, Dana. Ever.”

What had been the point of all of this then? He found himself asking that question in his mind. He wanted to scream it out loud. He wanted to yell it at his mate who had finally decided to let go of him. He was in pain as he stared at her, preparing to yell everything that he felt right into her face.

“I won’t ever leave you, Dana. Ever.”

That damn conversation still plagued him as he turned to look at her. His own turquoise eyes avoided hers, not wanting her to see the guilt that he harbored, the sorrow that had clawed its way into him, and finally the longing that he felt when he remembered all of those days at that the port. The memories were most likely the cause of his sudden feelings of being ill. He was shaking and couldn’t make himself stop. Damn those memories. Damn ever last one. He felt his anger boil over as he forced himself locked eyes with his mate.

“Ever.”

Many scientists said that eyes were incapable of showing emotion, but contempt was clear as daylight in John’s beautiful aqua eyes. It burned through every inch of his being, raging in him like a wild fire. As much contempt as there was, he found he couldn’t hide the guilt, or the longing, that he felt. Nor did her attempt to hide it as he stared down at here, a small pool of blood forming on the soft sand underneath him.

[dakota]

I was vulnerable and weak, laying in the sand like that, my muzzle still stained and dripping with John's blood. I inwardly cringed at that thought. I bit him, I hurt him, I'd draw his blood. What was wrong with me? I was sick, mentally, emotionally. I blamed him before, but for what? He did nothing wrong, nothing that I didn't cause, I've always been weak, always had to lean on someone else. When Fox left, I was so broken... too broken. In the end I took it all out on the one I loved. I blamed him, because I was afraid to admit, it was my fault.

I had to see Fox again, I couldn't let him die along with my past. I had to tell him a loved him, even if it hadn't been the way that he and John had believed. I was the one who blamed him, who got mad for his being distant. He had been like that because of me. I started all of this, and I couldn't fix it. I'd never deserved John as a friend, nor a mate in the first place.

I remained still, shivering in sorrow, and shock that refused to leave me. All the while, my frightened gaze never left John, even when he finally locked his eyes in my own. I pulled back, lowering my head further. He hated me. He deserved to. I ruined him, ruined his family. I felt even more worthless and pathetic now, under his gaze. Even if I had been lying to myself before, it was obviously all too true, by the way he simply looked at me.

"I'm sorry!" I cried loudly, shocked by my own voice, at the volume, and how much it had cracked. I didn't even sound like myself. Everything about me was changing. As well as everyone and everything around me. I lowered my muzzle to my paws, closing my eyes tightly as I sucked in a shaky breath.

"Please...just...just..." In that moment, I knew it. I didn't deserve him, and was tired of hurting him and the kids. My gaze snapped up to him, desperation taking over all else in my eyes. "Just leave." I whispered harshly.

Mustering as much energy as I could, I lifted to my feet quickly, though I was afraid to for many reasons, I stepped toward John. "Go!" I barked, desperate and hopeful. I knew how harsh a blow I would take with him being gone, even if before he was distant. I wanted him, and needed him... But I couldn't have him. He wasn't mine to hold on to.

"Please go away, John! Please..." I sobbed, choking on his name as I stared at him, standing firmly, and keeping tears from my eyes. I was almost positive that he would comply happily, but part of me wanted him to stay for my own selfish reasons. Having his blood on my lips only reminded me why I wanted him to leave, the reason he had to go.

I would only end up in hurting him even more, as I always seemed to do.

[>.<.....evil post]